


Guidelines for the care and feeding of your GHOST CAT

by Selden



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Treat, implied harm to child, important GHOST CAT instructions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-27 06:21:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12575640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selden/pseuds/Selden
Summary: Important GHOST CAT instructions written by 100% LIVING HUMAN.





	Guidelines for the care and feeding of your GHOST CAT

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rosencrantz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosencrantz/gifts).



 

Ensure that your GHOST CAT is warm and comfortable at all times.

Sources of adequate warmth and comfort include:

  * the cosy lap of a LIVING HUMAN.
  * a two-bar electric heater (both bars ON).
  * the place under the duvet where feet live.
  * the lap of a GHOST HUMAN (to ensure cosiness, think hard about FIRE).
  * the inside of a box. Any box.
  * THE STILL-WARM REEKING ENTRAILS OF YOUR DEFEATED FOE.



 

Ensure that your GHOST CAT is well fed at all times.

Sources of adequate nourishment include:

  * Burnt offerings of commercial cat food (CHICKEN FLAVOUR PREFERRED).
  * Burnt offerings of small dismembered rodents, birds, delicious CHICKENS, etc.
  * Burnt offerings of selected good-kind human food, for instance cheese, tuna-from-sandwiches, pizza anchovies, Doritos (FOR LICKING).
  * Burnt offerings of milk.
  * GHOST FOOD from the back of the refrigerator.
  * THE STILL-WARM REEKING ENTRAILS OF YOUR DEFEATED FOE.



 

Ensure that your GHOST CAT is provided with stimulation at all times.

Sources of adequate stimulation include:

  * Burnt offerings of small non-dismembered rodents, birds, etc, FOR CHASING.
  * Not a burnt offering of a whole chicken, that is TOO BIG. ALSO BEAK.
  * The feet that live under the duvet.
  * The red dot. GHOST FRIEND.
  * Burnt offerings of scarves, jumpers, much-loved hand-knitted blankets, etc. FOR KILLING.
  * THE STILL-WARM REEKING ENTRAILS OF YOUR DEFEATED FOE.



 

Ensure that your GHOST CAT is bathed in adulation and glory at all times.

Sources of adequate adulation and glory include:

  * Good stroking on the soft bits.
  * Ear scratches.
  * Stroking on the fluffy underneath side. SOMETIMES.
  * Stroking with kind voices when your GHOST CAT is INCORPOREAL due to the baleful presence of DAYLIGHT or HOLY SYMBOLS.
  * Prompt and tactful clean-up of unavoidable ECTOPLASMIC MANIFESTATIONS.
  * THE ~~STILL-WARM REEKING ENTRAILS~~ DESPAIRING CRIES OF YOUR DEFEATED FOE.
  * ALSO ENTRAILS.



 

OTHER FACTORS FOR CONSIDERATION:

 

  * If your GHOST CAT appears to be


  1. stupid
  2. smelly
  3. fond of SLIPPERS



then it is not a GHOST CAT. It is a GHOST DOG.

  * FOOLISH HUMAN.
  * Remove the GHOST DOG from the premises immediately.
  * Even if the GHOST DOG has big eyes and provides COSY SNUGGLES on certain occasions.
  * Perhaps the GHOST DOG may be permitted to remain.
  * But you should take immediate steps to rectify this unseemly obsession with SLIPPERS.



 

  * If your GHOST CAT appears to be


  1. very very cold, like a dark well
  2. secret in the special bedroom where there was once a HUMAN CHILD
  3. sitting on top of you at night and WHISPERING



then it is not a GHOST CAT.

  * FOOLISH HUMAN.
  * I TRIED TO WARN YOU.



 

  * If your GHOST CAT appears to be


  1. Toasty warm
  2. Prickly on the soft places of the lap, despite the baleful presence of DAYLIGHT and HOLY SYMBOLS
  3. Completely visible, even when being STEALTHY beneath the WARM DUVET



then there is no cause for alarm. You are simply a GHOST HUMAN and capable of providing OPTIMUM SNUGGLE.

  * FOOLISH HUMAN.
  * CONGRATULATIONS!



 


End file.
